This week John Black is volunteering at a leper colony in East Africa. His place is taken by a well-known television reporter…
THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT BROWN SUPREMACY IN NEW ZEALAND
A brave expose by a very brave and important reporter.
Being a fearless reporter that is also brave, when the boss asked me to investigate brown supremacy in New Zealand I knew things could get rough. What I didn’t realize was how rough. What I uncovered almost made me soil my Barker’s Menswear suit (the Hampton charcoal with waistcoat). Yes, this investigation was to take a serious personal toll.
I would even have to leave the office.
True, it was only to get a soy latte, but I needed it to stay awake while I surfed the internet all night.
That’s where I started. The internet. I hadn’t really been a fan previously. I mainly used it to order handmade Italian ties and book Austrian skiing holidays. But I thought I knew its dangers. Once when the wife was away I got lonely, locked my bedroom door and spent three hours googling myself.
I felt ashamed after. Only three measly hits.
But now I looked into the internet more, I was shocked. Did you know that you can pretty much say anything on the internet? Including terrible, terrible things like ‘Gas the Jews’ and ‘I don’t like Jacinda Ardern’.
I was shocked.
My fearless investigation into brown supremacy started on YouTube. I found grainy footage of a Mr Dun Mihaka exposing his buttocks to royalty back in 1983. I was shocked. So shocked I spilt my soy latte all over my Gucci loafers (the tan ones with off-white soles). Here was a man motivated by the sick ideology of brown supremacy. He certainly wasn’t motivated by the superiority of his buttocks, which were rather flabby. I had to look into this further.
I joined a Facebook group called ‘Kohitanga Aotearoa’ posing as ‘Hone Jones’. Discussions by the members of this group centred on how they as ancestors of the original brown inhabitants of this country deserve special rights. Based on their genetics they claimed ownership of land and natural resources. Some even wanted their own legal system. One guy called ‘Harawira298’ claimed he wouldn’t let his daughter date a white guy.
Pure brown supremacy.
It took a while, but I began to understand their code words.
I decided I needed to consult an expert. Professor T. Spoon at Massey University is the country’s foremost expert on racism. After twenty years of study, he’s concluded it’s not a good thing.
‘In some ways this country was founded on brown supremacy’ he explained. ‘Look at our founding document – the Treaty of Waitangi – it entrenches brown privilege.’ ‘We still live with the repercussions today’, he went on, ‘look at the All Blacks, the national team of our national sport. It’s a team disproportionately dominated by brown skinned people’. I paused and loosened my tie (a silk Armani, cornflower blue). I was feeling shocked. I asked about the brown supremacist movement.
‘Oh, brown supremacists are everywhere,’ he told me ‘They could be your next door neighbour, your yoga instructor or even your cat’. This was insane, I thought. Fluffy was white.
‘Most obviously the gangs’, he continued. ‘Black power, Mongrel Mob etc., they are open brown supremacists’.
My investigative reporter nose started twitching. I formulated a plan. I would bravely go undercover in one of these gangs to bravely expose their menace to society. I might need a few hours in a tanning salon first but no sacrifice is too big when you are seeking the truth. Professor Spoon offered to connect me with some contacts he had in the Mongrel Mob that very evening. Then I remembered it was my wife’s book club evening and it was my turn to make the cheese and onion dip. ‘What about tomorrow?’ Professor Spoon, asked helpfully. But that was my Pilates class.
It was impossible.
I put down the phone and started thinking. My brother-in-law’s hairdresser was beaten up by a Samoan. At school a Maori kid called Hemi used to steal my play-lunch. Logically this means that brown supremacy must be everywhere. Embedded deep within New Zealand society like Christianity and marmite. I promised myself I would bravely continue my brave fight to expose brown supremacy in New Zealand.
I was embarrassed I’d never covered it before.
And very, very shocked.