Welcome to politically incorrect Comedy corner: If you are offended by these kinds of jokes then please do not read this post
First photo of new royal baby released.
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.” The wife, laying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.” The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
I had tears rolling!
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK
AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’ have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.
Welcome to politically incorrect Comedy corner: the one place on Whaleoilwhere you are allowed to read and share naughty and offensive jokes that make us all laugh even though we are not supposed to. If you are offended by these kinds of jokes then please do not read this post.
“An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
― Various, 101 Dirty Jokes – sexual and adult’s jokes
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
69: Two can Chou
That’s not right: Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man: Dum Gai
Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here: Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet: Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone: No Pah King
You are not very bright: Yu So Dum
I got this for free: Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao?
Stay out of sight: Lei Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu
Andrew Little with a fist full of dollars.
Photoshopped image credit: Boondecker
In honour of Maori Language Week, we at Whaleoil have decided to dedicate one post each day to highlight a Maori word that has particular significance to Maoridom.
Today’s Maori Word of the Week is: Apo
Definition : Apo, verb, to grasp greedily, grab, appropriate, acquire greedily.
Usage: very common, particularly in Treaty negotiations or renegotiations.
The above photo was taken during negotiations with Ngapuhi in August (with some assistance from Boondecker). Clearly, the talks were going well.
Once a Treaty settlement has been agreed and signed, however, this does not necessarily mean that the agreement is final and no more money will be paid by the Crown. quote:
Ngai Tahu and Tainui received huge top-ups, totalling $370 million, to their supposed “full and final” Treaty of Waitangi settlements.
Waikato-Tainui received $190m and the South Island’s Ngāi Tahu $180m – more than they originally settled for in 1995 and 1998, respectively.
The Government made the payments on December 15  without any public announcement, but they were discovered by Stuff and confirmed by the Office of Treaty Settlements this week. e